Thursday, 01 December 2011
It's perfectly normal that you're in love with him. Who wouldn't be? He has everything that you've been told all your life that you need in a guy and now all those fairytales and dreams of Mr. Right are standing right in front of you in a pair of khaki shorts and a tshirt. It's completely understandable that the moment he said your name in his jokey voice, you indulged in every letter of it. It only seems right that when he said that he'll miss you, you wanted to jump in his arms and cry that you'll miss him more. It's completely normal that you're in love with him, so let yourself.
If I could go back and tell myself what I know now, I'd tell myself to tell you right there and then that you are the most beautiful person I've ever met. I'd tell myself that you're worth every bit of the risk, and at heart, you're too nice to be harsh to me anyways. I'd tell myself to not be afraid, because why wouldn't you like me. I'd tell myself that it wasn't that hard, that I had the power in myself to reach for your hand that night, I'd tell myself that we were meant for each other. But most of all, I would like to go back and tell myself it's okay that I think I'm in love with you.
Everywhere I go I see and hear nothing but things that remind me of you, and I can't tell if that's giving me a little bit of you to hold on to, or if it's creating an empty space in my heart as large as the distance between us. I can't say it to you because I'm living in this complete fear of what your reaction will be. But sometimes, I just wish you knew that I miss you.
Everything came so easy for me with you. Waking up to you, introducing myself, smiling at every word you said, laughing at every sarcastic remark, saying goodbye just so we could meet again, breaking through small talk, being wild, being free, being myself. It all felt so natural. I guess that's why it was easy for me to want to wake up to you, to be able to talk to you so I can smile at every word and laugh at all our inside jokes. It's so easy for me to doodle your name across my notebook with hearts, and finish my first name with your last. I said goodbye knowing I might never see you again, but I spend each hello wishing it was to you. I'm not as wild, not as free, and not as myself with anybody else. And now what came to me so easy is the hardest thing, for me to watch you walk away.
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
It's weird. I mean, yeah, I miss you. But it's so much more than that. I miss the way my heart just stops at the sight of you and your smile. But the sad part is, it's not just your smile I'm missing. It's mine too.
It's when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and I miss you that I just want to scream to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand, dialling your number and just hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. It's when I'm really sad about something and I need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who knew me at all. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realize no one else in this world is meant for me.
Life sucks because sometimes it feels like no one cares about you. But don't give up; things are hard but I know you'll get through them. If you feel like letting go just hold on a bit longer because there is something or someone worth waiting for, and in the end it will all make sense.
Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you've had, what you've lost and what you've taken for granted.
I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go of, it's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.
Do I miss you? I guess you could say no, I don't miss you. I miss the boy I fell for. The one who called me not because he had to but because he wanted to. The boy who would hold my hand and open the car door every chance he got. Who I could argue with for hours upon hours about nothing then laugh about it later. I miss the boy who wasn't afraid to be himself around me. The boy who would be sad if we didn't hang out everyday. But most of all I miss the boy I could trust. That's who I miss. How could I miss you? You're not that boy anymore.
I know you're upset about him. It's okay, be upset. Cry, scream into your pillow till you think you've lost your voice. But looking back on this stupid boy who broke your heart in the future, you'll laugh at him. Laugh because he thought he was doing the right thing at the right time. Turns out he wasn't, because he lost something amazing. And you'll thank him. Thank him for making you stronger, and to say to tell with him, I'm great. But most importantly you'll appreciate what he did, because without him leaving you, you wouldn't have found the amazing boy you're with now.
Sorry doesn't fix everything, sorry doesn't dry my tears, sorry doesn't put my heart back together again, but sorry does help me realize you're not worth my time.
It's the boy you never told "I like you." It's the one you let get away. It's the one you never really, truly had. He'll always be the one you go back to, even if he doesn't feel the same way.
Sometimes, I don't know what to say. Where to go. Who to be with. I just don't know. All I know is I have a pathway for my life and it's pretty goddamn blurry and I feel like certain decisions may make things clear. Sometimes, I can only handle so much. You take things so far and I really don't know how to deal with it. I love you, I do. But I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm tired of fighting every fucking day. I'm tired of going to bed angry. I'm tired of waking up the same. I'm just tired. I'm tired of caring so much for someone who in reality, couldn't give a single fuck about me. You have to put yourself in someone else's shoes to understand how it feels. But you're never in my position. Never. You never understand the way I feel and how much I hurt. And I hate that. You can only push me for so long.
It's okay. It's okay to want someone you can't have. It's okay to want something more. It's okay to cry when you're hurt, and it's okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. Believe it or not, it's always going to be okay. That's just how it works. Sometimes things don't work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually, everything is going to iron out some way or another. You just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on.
I don't mind that you have someone new, but don't be calling me. Stop telling me you miss me and that I'm the only thing that you want now and forever. You had me once and lost your chance.
I'd like to think I've never did those things, or never said that to you. But the truth is, I did and that's a part of me. I make mistakes, and I know who I am because of them. I lost you because of them, but to lose you meant to gain myself.
When you see me now, I hope you're sorry and I hope you regret how much you hurt me. I hope you see me with someone else, and wish it was you. I hope you regret all you've done and wish you could take it all back.
It's kinda fucked up isn't it? How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again. No reason, no explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy.
You gradually get over the pain. It doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind.
Even if you think the pain has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again.
You can't tell someone you love them then change your mind. That's not how it works. Once you love someone, you always love them. Isn't there a part of you that thinks of him for no reason? They'll always be in the back of your mind. And no matter how much you love someone else, you'll always love them too.
I should hate him for the ways he's treated me. Except that I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could. Maybe that's what real love is - not hating someone when you have every reason to.
All this time I've been blaming myself. Blaming myself for you leaving and for you lying and for putting my trust in you. I've blamed myself for you never caring and for you never giving a shit about me. I told myself that there was obviously something wrong with me, that's why you talked to other girls. I've blamed myself for jumping off a cliff just waiting for you to catch me. But really? You pushed me. You pushed me off the fucking cliff and you never had any intentions of ever catching me. You were just going to let me fall. Watch me struggle, watch me reach for you, call out your fucking name. And we both know you heard me, but you weren't ever going to help me. I blamed myself for the lies you told me. I could've sworn the reason you lied so much was because I wasn't good enough. You thought so much of yourself, you were so self righteous and selfish and egotistic. You could only be with the prettiest and hottest of girls and you would never settle for less. No one was ever fucking good enough; at least I never was. And for the longest time I blamed it on my imperfections, on my flaws. But now I know it's just you. It's not me at all, because my imperfections make me who I am. And you should've had the heart to accept them, but you didn't; you were too caught up in yourself and how other people saw you that you didn't realize what you were doing. Well fuck you. You don't deserve the girl you have now. And you never deserved me. I told you I didn't know if I could ever trust you, I told you that I didn't think you were a good guy and I was terrified everyday that you would leave me. But no, you came around and you told me you'd prove to me that you were a good guy and that what everyone said about you was completely wrong. And I fell for it. I fell for the tales, the stories, the lies. You told me you wouldn't leave like everyone else fucking did; you told me you'd be there. Always. And were you? Fuck no. Of course you weren't. You were so caught up in your ego to ever focus on anything other than yourself. So guess what you did to me, you made me look like the fool. And idiot. Why would I ever believe in you, or trust you, when I knew straight up that you were a fucking liar. You made me look pathetic, and you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like all this was my fault like I'm the stupid one, that I'm the one who missed out. Well fuck you, YOU missed out. You told me you wouldn't leave and you did. So you know what, good. You're gone for good. I'm done missing you, you were nothing but an asshole. You were rude and self absorbed. And because of that, I'm done. I thought I ruined this, I thought I wasn't good enough, that you destroyed me. But to be honest, you ruined it, you always ruin everything. And you will never get the satisfaction of knowing that you destroyed me, because you didn't. I'm stronger now because of this. I'm not stronger because of you, I'm stronger because I've had enough. And kid, fuck you. You missed out. So don't ever come back for me, don't come back at all. Because I won't be here waiting anymore, I'm just fine without you.
I expected too much, I was needy, I was jealous even though I'm not a jealous person. We both said a lot of things in the heat of the moment. We were perfect and we were totally meant to be together - we just met at the wrong time. Maybe we'll be together in the future, I don't know: I'm constantly looking for him in other people.
Perfect would be: cuddled up on a coach with you, watching finding nemo. And you telling me that you'll always come and find me.
Even though I'm very bitter and regret some parts of it, he's still the most important person that's ever been in my life.
I hope while she's at your house taking off her clothes you're thinking of me. I hope as you're kissing her you miss my fingers running through your hair. I hope you realize it was such a mistake for you to let me go without a care. I hope as she's climbing off your bed to go home, you wish it was me you had called. And I hope you know in that stupid fucking head of yours that if you had called me, I would have stared at my phone and laughed.
It's like you're screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important. That without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts; you feel hopeless like nothing can save you. And when it's over and gone, you almost wish that you can have all the bad stuff back...so you could have the good.
Nothing is the same anymore. The looks aren't the same; the bond isn't the same. Nothing is the same. I know we've fought to stay strong for awhile, but sometimes I feel that being strong would mean letting go. So maybe one day we don't pretend anymore. So maybe one day, it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes; I want it to be okay again.
To sum up the past year, I would basically remember the mornings I had you in mind while getting dressed. The hours we spent talking. The flirty texts we exchanged. The hugs, the smiles, and all the good times. I mean yeah it didn't work out the way I really wanted it to but I'm not going to remember you in a bad way. Other guys I've dated, I say they're assholes but you're different. It didn't work out, but I still love you as a person. You're still incredible in my mind. And you will always be.
I liked the days when boys were written down on your paper listed on your top 5, instead of you carrying them in your heart. When you would brag about how cool your parents were, instead of talking about how they now ruin your lives. When the only reason you didn't want to get out of bed for school was because you were sleepy, and now it's because each day is a struggle. When hide and seek was the coolest game, instead of guys seeing how many girls they can wheel at a time. When you wished upon birthday candles, and now you wish on a boy who is holding your heart. The days when you were just a kid who still had their innocence, and now you're a teenager who knows everything has changed.
"Please don't do this," she said softly, her eyes pleading as she stood there so close but seemingly so far from him. But she couldn't bring herself to beg, she wouldn't be that girl. She had long ago made a promise that she would never let a guy think that she needed him so much. And she knew it would hurt, maybe for some time. But she also knew that she would make it, she was built strong. If he was gonna leave her, she'd rather him do it now so she could sooner start to pick up the pieces.
I often wonder how different everything in my life would be if I never cried for him; if I never let him destroy every little bit of me and crushed my ego. I wonder what he would have felt if I never gave him the satisfaction that he hurt me. If I never cried in front of him, he would have never seen how vulnerable I was and he would have realized I was strong. Except he heard me cry so many times that he knew, he knew he would hurt me. And the thing is, he never cared, not one bit.
After everything we had been through, it's heartbreaking that you can feel such hatred toward me now. I was never once bitter or angry, but you for some reason go out of your way to humiliate me in front of all your friends. It's like you want me to feel the pain; you want me to hurt so badly that I go running away in shame of myself. Well here it is, everything I've been dying to tell you: I may feel the weakness now, but one day I will be stronger and I will move on from you. So give up, you're not achieving anything.
I think if he knew exactly how much I think about him, how much I truly care for him, and how hopelessly in love with him I am, maybe he would understand why I am so hurt by what he did to me. But he will never understand. No one understands. I have yet to meet someone who shares the hurt that I have witnessed. And that scares me.
As hard as it was to move on, I think I'm finally okay with how we are. At some point, we both wish we didn't ignore each other like that. I'll be forgiving you, just like you were forgiving me. People make mistakes, second chances are okay. It's like a weight has just been lifted, I can finally breathe and not worry about what he will say, or when he would've finally stopped ignoring me. Because now I no longer care, he just doesn't concern me. I just wonder if he'll come back to me, wishing he would've never screwed things up. I just hope our friendship can have another chance. But if this is the way it was meant to be, then I'm honestly okay.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can't handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There's a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying ti fix things, but it's not giving up, you've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts.
The most painful and worst possible types of goodbyes are the ones that are never said, or never even explained.
I make guy friends because I know that no one could ever replace you. I avoid making female friends because I never know who might be able to replace me if I bring them around.
If there's anything I've learned in this whole getting over you process, it's that you're always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. You're always going to be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I'm happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the streets and those gorgeous blue eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I'll never forget you and the way you made me feel when we were young and stupidly in love.
She doesn't let the world know that she still likes him. She doesn't change completely around him. She's just her, and she just happens to always be thinking of him, she won't be a slut and try and get him that way. He can fall for her, the real her, if he wants. And if he doesn't, it may hurt her, but at least she'll know he hates the real her.
At the end of the day, you're the one who pushed me away. Not the other way around. So don't act like this is my fault. You had a choice to make and you made the wrong one. That's something you've got to live with. I'm done saving you.
Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I feel, of what I said, of who I am. But most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you.
I only have two words for you: I'm done. After everything I've done for you, every chance that I gave you, and yet you still break my heart. But it's over now. Finally I've realized I don't deserve this and honestly, you don't deserve me. Yeah I still love you and probably will for a long time. But I can't stay here anymore. It hurts too much, I guess this is moving on.
In every language how to say hello and goodbye are taught at the same time for a reason, because the hardest times in your life will revolve around those two phrases.
You told me that I wasn't like the other girls and I always thought it was a lie. Now that I'm looking back on it you've apologized endless amounts of times. So maybe this time I am different because you never tried so hard with the other girls, you just let them walk away.
If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red flights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of coloured wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut but I guess the green one and then at the last second, no, the red one. Then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
I wish I could understand how you don't care, how you can get to know someone as well as me, think they're beautiful, tell them everything, get along with them fine, and still never love them.
No, it's not "whatever." We have a relationship worth fighting for, and I'm not going to let this go. Even though we've fought maybe even more than we've laughed lately, I just can't give up on this. I can't pretend like you never made a difference in my life. I'll fight for this if you will.
Everyone has that person that they go back to. Each time, they swear it's different, and they're done for good. But they aren't. They wish they were, but the thing is, they can't be. Because that person they keep going back to, they can't be completely happy without them.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away. Not because you've stopped loving that someone, but because you have to shield yourself from the pain.
I tried to tell myself that you're gone but it just won't sink in. No matter what I do, I'm still missing and thinking about you. I'm tired of feeling this way. I know it would be right for me to let go but no matter how much I tell myself to do it, I can't. I tell myself that it's better to never see you again, but no matter how much I try to forget, it always makes me remember all the good times we had, and even the bad, and how much I regret the things I've done. Sorry just doesn't cut it anymore. You've said it too many times. I just can't seem to find the words to tell you how badly I miss you. I think about you every day. I can't get you out of my mind. Maybe the reason I can't get you out is because you're supposed to be there. I miss you.
Yep, you broke my heart. And it hurt like hell. But I think what hurts even more is knowing that I would go through 100x the pain all over again, if things could go back to the way they used to be.
When a girl cries, it's not just over one thing. It's a build up of anger and tears they have been holding in for so long. They try to put a smile on everyday so no one will see the pain they're really feeling. And sometimes, the happiest girls, are the ones breaking down inside.
I had to catch my breath when I saw you there across the room, holding her hand. I'd have never guessed that starting over would look so good on you. But here I am still believing there might come a day where we'll pick up where we left off.
There's that one moment, the moment when you've figured out how much you've really let go, and how much you've grown. It's that moment when you can't look back, yet you can't seem to look too far into the future. It's that moment when you realize you're living for yourself and no one else.
Girls are constantly pushing away guys who actually care because they're still in love with the one who doesn't.
I have so many things that I want to tell you, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's not the same anymore. That it's not right for me to want you to be here for me 24/7 like last time. That I can't keep bugging you with all my problems even though you're still as nice to listen to my rants and comfort me. That basically we are not who we were back then. We're not even "we" now. It's just you and I.
I realized how much he meant to me. When anything ever happened, good or bad, I wanted to tell him about them. He was the first person I wanted to know, and I couldn't wait to tell him, and talk to him, and listen to him and it's like I love learning about new things every time I talk to him.
You thought I couldn't do this without you, but guess what, I sleep great at night now. I don't hurt because you're not here. I just had to learn to accept it and move on, and I did. But you, you're the one who keeps crawling back. So next time you think "oh hey, she's happy, got to mess that up," it's not going to happen, because this time, you're not going to get what you want. This time, I'm going to get what I want and what I want isn't you.
People say that when you love someone, nothing in the world matters. But that's not true, is it? You know, and I know, that when you love someone, everything in the world matters a little bit more.
When you're young everything feels like it's the end of the world. But it's not, it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you've gonna meet a guy that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. And it's going to feel like the sun rises and sets with you.
You don't know what you put me through. But it's all okay, I've forgotten about you. And in some way, I hope it fucks with you to know I'm okay and made it through.
The worst feeling is pretending you don't care about something, when it's really all you think about.
There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets that template for what you will always love about other people. The person who defines your understanding of love. They're often the first person who you seem to fall in love with. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel.
And I fell hard, quickly. I think this is me finally realizing that it wasn't my fault, that things aren't just meant to be. I am going to stop being bitter and start being happy for all the wealth that comes to hi,. Because, he will always have a special place in my heart and I think he knows that.
I want to hear you say that you don't love me, because if you say that, then I won't call you, I won't talk to you and I won't be in your life.
I guess you get used to somebody, kinda like having them around. I guess you get used to the way they make you happy, bring you up when you're feeling down. I never dreamed when I was letting you go that I would wake up and miss you this much. I guess you get used to somebody. I guess you get used to being loved.
You know what hurts the most? The feeling of being replaced. It's like no matter what you did, it wasn't enough. And no matter what you do to try and capture their heart again, it doesn't seem to work. And you're suddenly left thinking that you'll never be enough and a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.
Playful relationships. I never really wanted a serious relationship. I mean yeah I want us to be serious of the way we feel for each other of course. But still, we need let loose a lot of times so that we can both feel relaxed and be our weird selves around each other. Because no matter what, we both know that even though we're being more goofy and dumb around each other, we still don't think of each other any less of a way. Being able to be myself around you the same way I am with my friends, well that makes you not only my lover but also my friend. I want to be able to share laughs that I share with my friends, share the weird ass jokes that I have with my friends but instead have them with you. Because if we're just serious all the time in a relationship, then there will be no fun in it, no excitement. We'll just be serious all the time and never have our weird fun moments. I want to be able to be myself with someone not only as my best friend, but also as my lover.
I never set out to look for someone that is perfect. No, I just wanted someone who was perfect to me. Someone I could not only be happy with but at the same time trust with everything I have. I don't want to fall for the wrong one again. I want my next to be the right one. I'm not saying that he'll be my last or even very one I am going to spend the rest of my life with, but still I want to be someone who I can make happy and he can make me happy too. Just maybe, he might be the one. You'll never know unless you give it a try.
The only reason we hold back is because we think we have an endless amount of chances or that there will always be one more. But as time disappears into the past and life goes on, those chances will run out and you'll either live with eternal happiness for being brave or eternal regret for holding back.
Sometimes you have to test people. Not because you don't trust them, but to see how much they'll sacrifice for you. And sometimes you have to let people go. Not because you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back.
It may be a lot less painful to not care and put no effort into certain things. But caring and pain is what shapes us for the rest of our life. So while it may look easier on the short term not to care, for the long term you'll look back on those memories and tears and realize that's what got you to who you are today.
I just realized that I'm not sorry that whatever we had is over. But to be completely honest I'm sorry that we don't talk and laugh like we used to. If anything I would rewind to the part where we would hang out and be good friends where our feelings never existed for each other.
Mixed signals, yeah you sure as hell send enough of them. And how am I supposed to react? I can't be happy because you might want me back, then maybe just hold me back. You're not sure if you want me, but you're not sure enough to let me be happy with someone else. Don't expect me to run after you anymore. I'm done.
It's the scariest thing ever when you realize how much someone means to you. When it hits you, I mean really hits you, all these thoughts and questions rush through your head at once. A sad emotion even starts to creep on you slowly inch by inch as you start to wonder, what if for some reason it didn't work out? How are you possibly going to live without them? Someone that was once a stranger is now the only person you know like the back of your hand. Someone you once had no emotions for, now has the power to make you or break you. Someone you never thought you'd love, now owns your entire heart. Whether you like it or not. Someone you once lived without, you realize you can't live without and now wish you could hold onto forever.
Once you have feelings for someone, those feelings will always be there. You may not like them anymore but you'll still care.
I want to get drunk, completely wasted. Not for the fun of it or to be "cool" but just to forget all the bullshit going on in my life right now. I want to sit on a sandy beach and watch the waves just crash, like my life. And when I finally get wasted I want to call you and tell you all the shit I've been wanting to tell you for days now. Things weren't supposed to be like this.
Just because we're not together doesn't mean I can't miss you. Just because I miss you doesn't mean I want you back.
Where have you been all my life? I mean really, where were you? Where were you when I decided I would let myself get hurt by all those guys, where were you when I was crying my eyes out every night believing something was wrong with me, where were you when I thought every good guy was gone? Wherever you were, I'm glad you're here now.
Something about me curled up in a ball in the darkness of my room underneath what seems like 20 blankets as I cry my eyes out because you hurt me yet again makes me feel like you're not all that perfect of a guy as I once made you out to be.
I think we're all just looking for someone who makes every love song, romantic comedy and fairy tale seem relatable. We're not really looking for a prince or a princess, or exactly for the person who chases us down to the airport before we leave for somewhere and confess their love to us and say we can't leave. We're not looking for someone who makes every song on the radio seem like it was written for them, we're just looking for someone who when we watch these movies, hear these songs, read these fairy tales, we can sit back and say, "I know the feeling."
Everywhere I go I see and hear nothing but things that remind me of you, and I can't tell if that's giving me a little big of you to hold on to, or if it's creating an empty space in my heart as large as the distance between us. I can't say it to you because I'm living in this complete fear of what your reaction will be, but sometimes, I just wish you knew that I miss you.
I miss you more than anything else on this entire planet. I miss you more than I miss the summer during winter, I miss you more than my favourite old hoodie, and I miss you more than I miss everyone who's walked out before you. Whether it's because you always come so close to me, but drift back as soon as I take a chance, or because you're the most charming, eccentric and mysterious person I've ever known, I cannot pull myself to not miss you.
Monday, 18 July 2011
Right about now, I just really need to cry. So much has built up inside me and I just can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the pressure of always having to be perfect and constantly happy when I'm clearly not. But I can't cry. I can't let anyone see how much you truly hurt me, because you did, a lot more than I lead on.
Sometimes you just need someone. Someone to make you smile when you're sad, to tell you that you're beautiful. Someone to look forward to seeing you everyday. Someone to call you every night just to say I love you and mean it.
No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces and they won't even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong. And no matter how hard they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone.
I'm not even upset, hurt, or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again.
You hurt me. And I mean really hurt me. So much that I don't think I'll ever be as happy as I was before you happened. What happened anyways? We used to be so happy together, and then, everything just changed. You weren't the person I once loved, and I guess I just keep holding onto that person that I once knew. I guess I just have to realize that he's not there anymore and he's never coming back, and I just have to move on and try my best to be happy.
I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not going to be okay. That maybe it's not going to work out in the end. Maybe that's giving up hope but maybe it's thinking logically. I've had too much time alone to think about this. But it's like I've had this time because I actually give a fuck about people. I have compassion, and apparently, I'm the only one. I never got the memo to give up on your best friends.
As you get older, you stop being scared of the dark. You realize the dark is just the dark. But you also become scared of other things, people themselves. You learn that not everyone wants to see you succeed. You become aware of people's underlying intentions and selfish actions. And the monsters you used to check for under your bed at night, don't even compare to some of the things people do.
Don't tell me you miss me. Don't even go there. You had your chance, I gave you so many but your ego was just too big to take them. So I gave up on you. I'm not going to wait around for some guy who acts like he doesn't even want me. So no, don't say you miss me. Cause I honestly don't care.
Don't worry. He'll miss you. You're the best he could get and he blew it. Don't let him make you think for one second that it was your fault. It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't. And honestly he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fibre of his being and been with you in every spare second he could, but he didn't and now he's gone. But don't you cry. Don't call him telling him you miss him, don't message him, pretend like you don't care because, well, you don't. And don't be surprised when he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake, and if you want to, go with him again, but make him work for you. Don't be his doormat. Don't let him in the first time he rings the bell, make him come back every day until you trust him enough. If he doesn't come back after a couple of tries, just let him go. But if he comes back every day then he's worth it, trust me. He's worth it.
I screamed every hurtful word that I could think of, and what killed me is that they didn't hurt you at all. You didn't care what I said, you never have.
Shit doesn't happen, life happens. Things go wrong, people change, and sometimes it feels like you can't go on. But in the end, you have to stop blaming everyone else and put it on yourself to be happy, because it's your life and you have to make it through the hard times to get stronger.
If you're looking for reasons not to be with somebody you always find them, and I guess at some point you should let go and give your heart what it deserves.
I hate how people act like it's so incredibly easy to forget the past, because it's not. I can't just forget all the lies, and all the games. But most of all, I can't just forget every single night I blamed myself for your mistakes. And sure, the past is the past and it's unchangeable even if you do regret it, but that still doesn't make it hurt any less, even after all this time.
I don't know what I do to be put through this. I guess it's not worth anything to you. I try my best but I guess I wasn't good enough.
I know there are some things you can't change. I know there are some situations where apologies hold no bearings. I know that twists of fate bring people together, and sometimes "everything happens for a reason" can tear them apart. I know that I will never forget you, for you will always have a place in my heart.
Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to the force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible; controlling that which we cannot. And instead, focus on what is possible.
I'm missing way too much, so when do I give up what I've been wishing for? I can't find another way around and I don't want to hear the sound of losing what I never found.
You asked me if I was okay. I said yes. I don't know which scares me the most: that you couldn't tell I'm lying or you didn't care.
I hope she falls in love with someone else while you're gone and breaks your fucking heart. I hope you come back next year, expecting to have her waiting on you, and I hope that when you see her with another guy, even more in love than she was with you, all you want to do is fall apart. I hope you go in search of your other female play things, and I hope all of them, including me, have found a guy worthy of their time and infatuation. I hope it eats you up inside, and I hope you finally get a taste of your own medicine. I hope you don't find another girl to hurt. I hope you're alone forever, because that's exactly what you deserve.
There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can't handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There's a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things. But it's not giving up, you've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts.
The most painful, and worst possible types of goodbyes are the ones that are never said, or never even explained.
I make guy friends because I know that no one could ever replace you. I avoid making female friends because I never know who might be able to replace me if I bring them around.
If there's anything I've learned in this whole getting over you process, it's that you're always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. You're always going to be somewhere deep down inside of me. Even when I'm happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the street and those gorgeous blue eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I'll never forget you and the way you made me feel when we were young and stupidly in love.
I saw you today and realize how far apart we've grown. I know I should talk to you and ask how you're doing. And I really wish I could. But it's just occurred to me that we're strangers now. You don't know me anymore, much less want to, and it's okay that you've moved on. I know that everything's different now. I've been staying strong.
She's beautiful but she'll never admit it. Music is her life, literally. Ask for a good song, she'll give you five. Jeans and wearing her hair down are her trademarks. She's afraid of the dark and obsessed with her friends. When she smiles her whole face lights up. And her heart is broken by a guy who doesn't love her. And you know what? She actually cares.
It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can't because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen.
We are all strangers connected by what we reveal, what we share, and what we take away - our stories. I guess that's what I love about books; they are thin strands of humanity who tether us to one another for a small bit of time, that makes us feel less alone or even more comfortable with our loneliness if need be.
No matter what you've done, or how many times you've done it, no matter how many times you've failed at trying to change it, no matter how disappointed you are in yourself, and no matter what choice you've made, you can be forgiven. You deserve to be forgiven. You can be loved. You deserve to be loved.
I'm pretty much numb at this point. I figure any other horrible thing he can do now, won't affect me. You can't break a heart that's already broken. At least, I hope you can't. But if it's possible, then at least I know what's next.
How long can you go pretending you're fine without him? How many lies can you tell your best friend? How many smiles can you fake when you're trying so hard not to cry? How many texts have you wanted to send, just to say one last I love you? When does it come to the point when you just can't take it anymore?
I hate the way that, even though I'm moved on and completely happy, you still sneak into my mind. When I dream, I dream of you and I somehow finding each other again and coming back together. I'm happy and moved on and in a new place, but somehow you still somehow subconsciously find me.
There will always be that first true love. The one you first spent the night crying for. The one that never really worked out but you kept your hopes up too much. The one who got away. The one who taught you all you need to know about love. And the one that until now, is still the one you look back to whenever you try to love again.
And for a moment I felt like he truly cared. He wanted to know why I pushed him away, and all I could say was, "I can't love you anymore."
I've always avoided fights. I make jokes instead. I tell people what they want to hear in order to avoid a confrontation. I pretend to want things I don't want, and I pretend not to want things I do want. No one gets hurt. Except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want. I just know I want it to be easy.
I've never understood the reasoning for someone to "move on" from a relationship. It's not like you're really going to "move on", you're just trying to tell your heart to stop thinking about that person every second of every minute of every day until it finally becomes a routine and you don't notice it anymore. That is, until you see that person again, with someone who isn't you, and then you have to remind yourself again.
This is for you, my best friend. The one I can tell my soul to. Who can relate to me like no other. Who I can laugh with to no extent, who I can cry to when times are tough, who can help me with the problems of my life. Never have you turned your back on me or told me I wasn't good enough or let me down. I don't think you know what that means to me. You gave gone through so much pain and you still have time for me. And I love you for listening even when inside you are dying. And I look up to you because you are caring, strong, and beautiful. Even though you don't think you are. And I hope you know that I'm always here to listen to you laugh and cry and help in all the ways that I can. And I will try to be at least half the friend you are to me. I hope you know I would not to be the person I am today, without you, my best friend.
Treat him right, okay? He probably doesn't deserve it but I know he needs the best he can get, and if I can't be the one to give it to him, I want you to. I know that every time I look at you, I would love to see you out of his life, but you just have to understand that I loved him for so long and it's going to take me awhile to let go of the fact that he's in love with someone else, and I know he loves you. I can tell by the look in his eyes when he sees you, that you mean the world to him. He used to look at me with those eyes sometimes. I could've sworn they told me he loved me too, but things change and I'm learning to accept that. So don't be angry with me if I still cry when I see you two together. You've got to understand that I could've spent the rest of my life with him and wanted nothing more. You've got to understand that I looked forward to seeing him more than anything in the whole world. You've got to understand that I never wanted to let go, but I had to. He hurt too much to keep. So take care of him, okay? He needs it, and even though it kills me to say this... He needs you too.
Someone tell me why I'm so easy to forget. I wish people wanted to be in my life, but instead they walk right out of it. I wish people could see me for who I truly am and then maybe, just maybe, they'll want to say. These walls aren't helping. And so the cycle continues, and people always leave.
So, you're back in town. Yeah, I still love you. Yeah, I still want to be with you more than anything. But it's really not that simple. You left without a word. You left for a whole fucking year without telling me and hearing barely anything from you the whole time you were gone. Yeah, go ahead and blame it on the distance for why you didn't keep in touch with me. So now I'm just supposed to take you back and act all normal just because you're back, apparently forever, and you claim you still have feelings for me? No, it's really not that simple.
Ever have that one person in your life that you just can't give up on, the one person that can screw you over time after time, yet you always seem to give them another chance? And no matter how many times you say this is their last one, you know it's a lie because there's always just one more waiting for them. The one person you know you're better off without, but you can't find a way to let them go because deep down inside, you wouldn't know what to do without them. The one person you know doesn't deserve you, but yet you choose to overlook it because you love him. Yeah? Well, he's that guy for me.
I'm sorry for always wanting to talk to you. I'm sorry for caring too much. I'm sorry for trusting you. I'm sorry for ever believing a word you said. I'm sorry for being me and not being the girl of your dreams. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry for ever loving you, but it's your fault, I wouldn't have fallen if you hadn't of pushed me.
Saturday, 02 July 2011
The thing is, while we are all full of insecurities, mine might be a little different. I just need to know that you love me as much as I love you, and that if you had to choose, you'd pick me over any other girl in the world.
It's not enough to say you'll be there, you have to stick to your word and be there. You can't just fill people with all these empty promises, you're only ruining it for yourself. Can't you see that it's absolutely killing me? You're hurting me with your hollow words. Since when did you start lying like this? Why can't you just mean what you say, why don't you just say what you mean and forget about sugar coating everything? Are you really that much of a coward?
How many times do we forgive someone just because we don't want to lose them, even though they don't deserve our forgiveness?
She could only admit it to herself that it still hurt. Her friends all said she would feel better in time, that it would go away and she would get over it. But it's been months and she hasn't moved on. She hasn't gotten over it. She hasn't forgotten a thing and it's slowly eating away at her. Every memory, every conversation, every kiss, every little detail that she could recall in her little mind. Every time he popped into her head she tried to tell herself that he's not worth it, but he still managed to consume her thoughts. She would never be able to forget him, because with him she was happy. And now that he was gone she was so undoubtedly miserable that she could do nothing but hold onto the memory or him, because he was her everything and without him she had nothing.
So I say a thousand stupid things and half the time I never mean them. But this time I'm serious, I'm never going to talk to you first. So if I mean anything to you at all, you can talk to me. Because I give up, I'm done. I'm done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
If you really knew me, you'd realize I'm not the girl I was before. I've been hurt, walked all over, used, and rejected. I still have hope for new relationships. But if you really knew me, you'd know I'm scared to death of falling in love again. I'm scared to death of getting hurt. I'm scared to death of getting attached and thrown to the side. Please don't do that to me. If you really knew me, you'd know I trust you.
When you told me you cared about me, you forgot to mention she meant more, so I'm going to get over you. Not because I want to, but because I'm not a second choice, ever.
People think that if you love someone hard enough, that everything will just work out. People are wrong.
I'm not even upset, hurt, or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again.
When he left, I guess the old me kinda just went with him. When someone makes that big of an impact on your life, how could you ever be the same? He made me really believe we would last forever. And now I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe in forever again. He took my trust and my hope. He took my insecurities to depend on people, and to wait for nothing. But I guess that's a good thing right? It made me realize that I don't need anyone, because the one person who swore he needed me showed me he didn't. That positive girl with a big heart is gone now and she's never coming back.
You were unmistakably my first love and I will never forget that. Even though we have both grown apart, both changed, a piece of you remains with me. You will always be a big part of me because you have unknowingly showed me what I deserve. And every guy I'm with for the rest of my life will be compared to you.
Deep down, I know you really are the wonderful guy I thought you were. But you were scared. Scared because your feelings for me are so strong, scared to try and make things work under such difficult circumstances. Scared because I'm the first girl who ever loved you. And that's why you ended things, why you're being such a douche bag, because you're so scared. I wish you could get over your fears, and realize what we have is worth the risk of heartache.
After all this time you'd think I wouldn't feel the same, but time doesn't stand for anything because my feelings for you haven't changed one bit.
You know, ever since I met him, I always thought 'man I hope I don't mess up.' Because that's what I do. I mess things up. But you know what I never thought? I never thought 'I hope this doesn't mess me up.'
It kills me that I see you every day and I know things can never be the same. I hate not talking to you, but I know it's the only way to get over you. You hurt me more than I deserve, and I need to learn how to be more independent. But I just, I miss you. Not because I can't have you, because I could. Not because you're far away, because you're not. Not because you hate me, because you don't. I miss the way things used to be; the way you used to be. I miss us. Our stupid jokes, our cute moments. They were what I lived for, and now that they're gone and probably will never come back, I'm just lost.
I tried to tell myself that you're gone but it just won't sink in. No matter what I do, I'm still missing and thinking about you. I'm tired of feeling this way. I know it would be right for me to let go but no matter how much I tell myself to do it, I can't. I tell myself that it's better to never see you again, but no matter how much I try to forget, it always makes me remember all the good times we had, and even the bad. And how much I regret the things I've one. Sorry just doesn't cut it anymore. You've said it too many times. I just can't seem to find the words to tell you how badly I miss you. I think about you every day. I can't get you out of my mind. Maybe the reason I can't get you out is because you're supposed to be there. I miss you.
No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are and rip it into pieces, and they won't even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong. And no matter how hard they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone.
I waited for you for so long. I watched my phone, every night, waiting on the phone call that I knew in the back of my head I'd never get. I just wanted to hear you say you were sorry for hurting me, and that maybe you wanted to get back together. I hoped and hoped that you saw me in the hallways, looking down at the floor, and that you'd just know that I missed you. Because I thought you missed me too, that you just didn't know what you wanted. But I finally realized you didn't miss me at all, that I was definitely not what you wanted, and that I never meant that much to you anyways.
We both took some wrong turns and hurt each other a little too much. Our stubbornness was what kept us apart, neither of us wanted to give in, to forgive the other first. But in the end, we both lost. I don't care about how many lips you've kissed or how many hands you've held. I don't care about being your first, I just care about being your last.
As great as what we have has been, I think that I would be better off if I let you go. See, you know you have me, but I can't say the same for you. I don't know if I have you, or if I ever will. That's what breaks my heart. I can't spend my entire life waiting for you.
Tell me, do you think I'm falling for him? All he means to me is a really good friend, someone who can make me laugh, make me smile, someone who I can joke around with, someone who I can be myself with. All he is to me is the person who gave me back my smile.
I know we aren't as close as we used to be. But I really cared about you. I still do. And if you ever forget about me, I don't know what I would do. So please, when you go off to college and you have a new girlfriend, a new life, just think of me once in awhile. It will make me feel so much better, if you just promise that you will. Because if you leave and I know I didn't make some kind of impact on your life, I will be sad and miserable. And I can't be that way anymore.
Every girl is going to love a guy who will never love them back. And as she sits there crying because he will never want her, she doesn't realize that across town there's a boy thinking of her. A boy who would give anything to see her smile, make her laugh, or kiss her in the rain. A boy who would never make her cry because he doesn't want her. But she will forever be chasing the boy who will never love her, instead of giving her heart to the one who deserves it.
I hate it when people say that they have given up on love. And it's always because they think love has hurt them when in actuality, it was a person, it was a thing, a wrong decision, a bad mistake, an accident. So do't let go of love, hold on because I promise you it's always worth your while.
Because that's what life's about. It's about the time where you lay in the grass next to someone you love. It's about the colour of the sky, it's about the roaring fire on a winter eve. Everybody hurts, everybody bleeds. Everyone laughs, smiles, and loves. And that's all that it is. There's no meaning of life, it's nothing that can be defined. It's a matter of writing your own definition.
It's still there, you know? I can be totally happy and still have that part of my mind wondering how much better it would be if you were here. I don't think that's ever really going to change.
You think it sucks, getting hurt yourself? Try watching your naive best friend get hurt by a boy who will never care about her. It's the worst feeling in the world and all you want to do is save her. But in reality you can't do much now, because the damage has been done. So all you can do is just cry with her.
It's the way your heart beats faster when he comes around, it's the way you can't breathe when you think about him, it's the way when you try to talk to him nothing comes out. It's the way that his name alone captivates your whole mind, it's the way you could sit and think about him for hours and still believe he's the only one for you.
If only you could read my mind. If only you could see how much this is killing. How much I am trying and trying my hardest to get things back to normal between us. You said friends, I'm trying to be your friend. But it can't always just be me. I need you to try for me. I need you to give me a sign, anything, let me know that what I'm doing isn't pointless and pathetic. Let me know, don't ket me go.
I need you to get out of my life so I can move on. I don't want to be the girl standing in the rain hoping one day you'll come back to me even though I know you won't. I need to tell myself that I don't ned you in order to live. In fact, I need you to leave so I can breathe.
I. Can't. Do. This. Anymore. I can't pretend that I've moved on, when the truth is that whenever I see you, I'm flooded with everything that we lost. Everything we could've had. Everything we should've had. What we had, it was real. I just know it, it felt real. We both felt it, I just know it. There aren't any words to describe the relationship we had. We never dated but we both knew that we loved each other. I don't know what happened between us and that is what still tears me apart inside.
One of the worst feelings in the world, I think, is to be falling for someone. But not just that. It is to be completely in love with someone and not being able to tell them how you feel. That you love the sound of their voice right after they wake up in the morning. That you secretly love when they make fun of your funny faces, the way you sneeze, or the way you say certain words, even though you say you don't like it when they do. It's the feeling of complete awe when you see them. The butterflies in the stomach when you touch or even when they glance your way. It's the fear of after pouring out your heart not hearing two simple little words: "me too."
Everything you have been told is a lie. Things don't happen for a reason. They just occur and you deal with it. People will always leave you. Everybody has somebody they use. And everybody lies. They get mad and say things they don't mean. But once they are said, they are out there, unable to take back. Watch your mouth but more importantly watch your back. There is always someone standing there ready to stab you.
Have you ever thought about it? You got this girl head over heals for you, but for some reason you don't want to see it. You know it's there and you know you feel the same, but you refuse to let it be. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you're scared of the thought that this girl, who you've known for a long time, you've seen her happy, you've seen her sad, that this girl's perfect for you. And that really scares you, doesn't it?
A year later, the first time they saw each other since that one night, but the feelings were still there. As they talked, she couldn't look him in the eye. He reached for her hand and asked, "are you okay?" and with trembling hands and a cracking voice, she managed to say, "I've never been better."
I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I'm done chasing and caring for people who never had an interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I've learned love is hard and life isn't always what you want it to be.
Mistakes. We all make them. They usually start with the best of intentions. Like keeping a secret to protect someone. Or getting some distance from the person you've become. Sometimes we don't even know what mistakes we've made to get us where we are. Or we figure it out just in time to make it right again. But every mistake happens for a reason. To teach you a lesson you would otherwise never learn.
I think I've finally come to the point in my life where I'm happy with myself, and know that I don't have to change or be a certain way for people to like me anymore. I'm just fine and if someone doesn't think I am, screw them.
You can try your hardest, you can do everything and say everything, but sometimes people just aren't worth trying over anymore, they aren't worth worrying about, it's important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down.
No one deserves to be treated that way. So even if you love him with your entire heart, with every fibre of your being, with so much passion that it hurts to think about it, you need to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.
All of our lives we wait for that moment; the moment that is supposed to turn everything around. We live our lives day to day thinking that whatever we do while we're young doesn't matter because soon, the moment will arrive and nothing will be the same afterwards. But that's bullshit. There is no magical moment that changes everything for the better. Life is shit, and it's up to you whether or not you want to sulk around every day or enjoy it and be happy.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
There's a point in your life when you know who's there forever, and who's just around for awhile. People change, but keep in mind, so do you. Sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worst. Bad things happen to everyone, but you're not in it alone. People lie, and some people just don't care how you feel, but that's life. Your heart beats, no matter how much pain you're in, but everything will be okay eventually. There are always people in your life that just make your day, no matter the miles. I know all about distance, I've been dealing with it all my life. Don't tell me it's easy, because it's not. I will be the first to tell you that it's all worth it though. I'd rather keep in touch with the people I love, than just drop everything and forget about them. You don't forget the ones you love; it just doesn't work that way. You got to give it all you've got and live your life to the fullest.
It's not that I'm afraid anymore, I'm not. It's just that I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical that things are going to be normal again. I doubt that we'll ever be the same. And I guess I'm afraid I'll miss who we were.
I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it's going to be okay. When you're hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there's those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can't be described, but you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear. I need more of those moments.
It's amazing how some people just say these small things, one sentence and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love. It changes everything; nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it.
I'm so tired of dancing around these big words. I just want to be honest with you. More than anything I want to be honest with you. But do you think you're ready for that honesty? Because honesty is a big word and it changes things, and it complicates things. Are you sure you're ready for everything that goes along with the truth?
My favourite hugs are the ones given for comfort. The kind of hugs where you can just wrap your arms around the other person, and they won't let go until the tears stop from rolling down your face. When you feel like there's absolutely nothing that can make you feel better, sometimes a hug from someone you care about it all you need.
I decided that enough is enough. That since you obviously don't care about me anymore, I am going to just move on. Easier said than done I suppose, because at the end of the day I'm staring out the window with these tears on my cheeks. Look what you've done to me.
Maybe all I really wanted was anyone. Anyone. Not you. Not him. Just anyone that could give me a reason to live through the day. And sure, we weren't supposed to end in this particular way, but I didn't love oyu. And you know you didn't love me.
One of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is whether to stay and try harder or take your memories and walk away.
It's so hard when you've lost control. It was never as easy as it was before you and I lost touch. This might sound crazy but I don't know how to let you go. It's hard to keep on fighting when all you know is losing.
There's a reason I don't expect a lot out of people. There's a reason why I smile at people's apologies, but never look at them the same way. When people have let you down enough times, you learn to not believe a word anyone says to you.
Feelings that come back are feelings that never went away.
It sucks to see people flirt with the person you're in love with. It sucks even more to see them flirt back. It makes you question if everything was and still is a lie. It makes your heart ache inside. It makes your whole body feel pain.
Bad stuff does happen sometimes. Always remember that. But remember that you have to move on, somehow, just pick up your head and stare at something beautiful like the sky, or the ocean, and you'll move on.
The hardest task in the world is convincing yourself you don't care, when in all actually, you know with your entire being that you do.
If you're going to stay, stay forever. If you're going to leave, then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk, make sure you mean what you say.
You only want one thing from me, and I give in. I give in and tell myself maybe you'll care for me. You just like me less and less. I don't understand it. I do everything you want, and I'm still not good enough.
This is what I know about the truth: the farther you get away from it, or it gets away from you, the harder it is to tell.
So lets just start over. We can go back to before we messed up and we'll make everything right again.
Whenever I laugh, I hope he's watching. I'm always wondering if he misses my smile as much as I miss his.
If you keep going back, living in what's already done, the past is bound to repeat itself. And a part of me believes that's a good thing. But there's a whole portion of my soul that you just ripped out of me. And if you had just been patient with me, I would've given it to you, willingly. But you hurt me instead. And while a part of me aches to be in your arms, to be telling you I love you time and time again, I know I'm better off alone. I'm better off healing on my own than getting hurt time and time again by you.
If you're walking past someone and get that "have to know them" feeling, you should probably do something about it.
I can hide it to the world, my friends, my loved ones, my family. But I can't hide it from myself. I'm not happy.
I'm not the girl I used to be. I admit, a lot of shit got to me.
So congratulations, you made a girl who was up for anything, who could handle anything, break down and cry. You made her afraid to love, to keep her walls up and never let anyone in. You made her strong, but too strong that she'll never love like that again.
The one thing I hate the most is saying goodbye. It's never been easy for me. I mean, how do you approach the concept of goodbye? Goodbye's are all different. Some are for a day, some are for a month, but others are forever. And the concept of forever is hard to accept. It's like, hey, I'm never going to see you again, goodbye. It doesn't feel complete. But I think that's what goodbyes are. They're incomplete and you honestly don't know how long the goodbye will last. It's a part of life.
I want so badly to tell you what I was actually thinking about that night. But if I were to do that, everything might change between us. And I'm not so sure if I'm ready for that.
The thing I love most about myself is being able to walk past people I know are talking about me and not letting it get to me, even when I know how harsh their words are.
It's nights like these that are the worst. You stay up all night and can't get yourself to fall asleep, so all you do is think; think about everything. Everything that you've been through in your life. And as always, it's mostly bad things that stand out the most. You reminisce about the good times you've had with people that no longer exist in your life. You think about how much happier you used to be and how everything was better before. It's nights like this when you realize just how lonely you are, and how you wish that things would be alright for once.
I feel so far away from everything but I still feel comfort in being alone. That way I can lock my emotions away and no one will see the pain behind my smile. The loneliness begins to eat away at me until I can't take it anymore, yet I still won't let you in. You'll never see the real me. Because if this happens, I'll have nothing left to shelter me, no illusion to shade the truth.
You know why it's hard to be happy? It's because we refuse to let go of the things that make us sad.
So you'll come across so many people in your life. Ones you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. You come across people you will love, very much. But sometimes love isn't enough to tackle all the obstacles in life and you will have to deal with the heartbreak of knowing that that person you love is gone and you're left, alone, to try your very hardest to fall out of love. To do something you never thought you'd have to do. Just keep your head held high. Don't let it get to you, don't fall apart. Clear your heart and let it go. And when it comes around again, let it.
Worry doesn't keep the bad stuff from happening, it just prevents you from enjoying the good.
Sometimes you just have to finally admit that you don't deserve any of this and leave. Even if it's going to be the hardest thing you ever do.
It's strange how life works. You want something and you wait and wait, and feel like it's taking forever to come. Then it happens and it's over, and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.
And sometimes, we can fall in love with someone for all the wrong reasons and still love them after the hurt. Because sometimes, and most times, we can't pick who we love. And even though we know we shouldn't love them, we do and always will, because there are just a small number of people in this world who will "get" us for reasons we can't explain, even when they shouldn't.
I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin. I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.
I don't know. I don't want it to be like this. I hate the way you've made me feel and I'm sick of pretending that it doesn't hurt me. Because it really does.
Life's not supposed to be easy but sometimes don't you think that it could cut us a break? I mean when you wake up in the morning knowing that you're going to get hurt, what's the point anymore?
They ignore each other and look away, because they both knew it was never supposed to end this way.
Sometimes I think too much. And when I think too much, I can't come back. It's really hard sometimes, but I guess you get used to it after awhile.